I have so much on my mind lately. I just don't know how to say everything to everyone that I want to say it to. Why does it have to be so hard to just talk to some people? I used to be able to be so honest about how I am feeling with everyone. But some people just become so different and distant, and you just don't know how to talk to them anymore. No, I'm not talking about just Paul, its pretty much everyone. I guess I am just thinking too much lately, and there is just a lot of people that I want to talk to about a lot of things. I want to set things straight with everyone that things aren't straight with.
Things are really out of touch lately. Nothing feels right anymore. Its like I can't do anything to make anyone happy, and I have no clue what the hell I want. I don't know what I want out of life, or who my real friends are, who I can trust, or who I want to be with, or who I should be with. I just don't know anymore. I've been confused before, but God, now its like my mind is this huge tidle wave of thought after thought after thought, and I just can't make sense of any of them. This is why I write so much. Writing is my therapy. At least if I can't talk to other people, I get everything out by writing it. I'm so sick and tired of keeping everything that I am feeling inside my heart. It is killing me.
Its funny... I've turned from being the most selfish person you could ever meet, to being the most unselfish person. About 3 years ago, I couldn't count on my hands how many people thought I was selfish. Hell, I was selfish, I even knew it. I just didn't do anything about it. But then I changed. I had to change, I hated who I used to be. Now, now its like I can never do anything to make me happy. Everyone else comes before Nikki. Everyone. I put so much time and effort into keeping all my friends and everyone happy that I'm right down at the bottom of the list. When is it my turn guys? I know that this sounds really selfish, but just once, ONCE, I want to smile and just really mean it. Do you know what it feels like to smile and have it hurt? Things are just so messed up lately. I don't know what I can do to make myself happy anymore, so I don't know why I even bother bitching about being unhappy. Its my fault that I'm not happy anyways. I never do anything just for myself. And I am just about all out of patience, understanding, compassion, and sympathy for other people. Everything is just slowly draining me. I am so emotionally unstable. I just don't know how to get back up on my feet and be happy, and smile and mean it. Things are so hard. Just ease up a little bit God, okay?
Stress is such an understatment to what I am feeling right now. I am so beyond stressed out about everything. From family, to school, to guys, I am just about ready to give up completely.
Its so hard to lose someone you've become so close to. It hurts a lot, but there isn't much you can do about it. Some things just can't be avoided sometimes. Even if I stayed in Vermont, stayed at Sherri's house... everything would have ended the same way. Steve is so overbearing. He just does not understand. But what parent does understand? If you know of one, please please please... introduce us. I am just not a person who likes to be criticized and lectured about every little thing that I do. What I do may not always be the right thing, but god dammit let me learn myself. When will he ever learn that I am not going to learn through his experiences? I will not learn that something is wrong just because he tells me that it is. What is wrong to him, may be so right to me. He will never understand that. He tells me that when I am older I will realize what he was trying to do for me and think to myself, "Wow, I'm really glad he was around, he really did care." I may think that but I hope one day that you will realize that I did things because I wanted to and I have never been one to do things just because they were right to other people, and I will never be that. I am my own person, ya know? I can make choices all by myself. I am fucking almost 18 years old. When are you ever going to let me grow up? I am not a baby anymore, and I haven't been for a long time. Its about time that you let me do things my way, and how I want to do them.
School is also another issue now. Since Steve thought it would be cool to take me out of school two months before graduation, I have to go through all of this shit just to get my diploma. The principal at the school here was giving me all these different options, like getting my GED. I don't want a fucking GED. I want to graduate. I want more for myself than that. I want the feeling of knowing that I graduated... that I reached that goal. He also told me that I could take night classes to get my credits to graduate. But I guess I have to have three elective classes to get all of my credits, so I have to go to school during the day. That's right, I have to go to a whole new school, with new people, with EIGHT fucking weeks left. Its completely ridiculous. Don't get me wrong.. I am a friendly person, and normally I make friends easy, but God, I am so sick of moving, and going to new schools. This is like the 11th new school that I've attended. You would think that I would be used to it now. It is just one of those things that never really grows on you. It is just so fucking frustrating. I just want to get this all over with, graduate, get a good job, and just get on my feet and stay there. That's all I ask for... it really isn't much.
The male gender is a completely different topic. I don't even know what is going on in that area. Mikey... his birthday is today. He wrote me an e-mail yesterday that scared the shit out of me. I like this guy, but he is just coming on way too strong for me right now. I'm not ready for that. I definitely don't like him nearly as much as he likes me. I feel like such a shit because I do not want to hurt him at all. But I can't be with him, I don't want to be with him. He tells me that I am his motivation, that I am the only thing that keeps him going. He has known me for literally like a month. Some people may think that they can fall for someone in that short amount of time, but I just can't do it. I can't really like someone until I really know that person. And I really don't know him at all. And he doesn't know me at all. He knows my favorite color, movie, food, and a couple of bands that I really like. He knows that I like monkies. But God, everyone knows that about me, but that doesn't necessarily mean they know me. Make sense? He doesn't know that I have to sleep with either the TV or radio on because I can't stand silence. Or that I am in love with sappy love songs, and every one of them has some kind of meaning to me. Or that when I sleep, I have to have something next to me, whether it be a pillow or a stuffed animal. He doesn't know that you can tell my mood in the mornings by which one of my eyebrows are higher. Or that I have to constantly keep the water running while I brush my teeth. Or that I leave the shower running like 5 minutes before I get in just to make sure the water is hot enough. He doesn't know that when my nose is red, it means I am embarassed. Or that I crack my knuckles, bite my lower lip, shake my leg, play with my ears, and rub my hands together just because they are bad habits. He doesn't know that my favorite movie is A Walk to Remember, and he doesn't know why that is my favorite movie. He doesn't know that I went through so much abuse and torture when I was younger, and that affects almost every decision I make when it comes to a guy. He knows nothing of my past. And he barely knows anything of my present. I just can't see how he can feel for me as much as he says he does. I mean, you never completely know a person, but you have to know them, and why they do and say and act they way they do, to really feel for them. I don't know. Some people view this differently than I do, but I just can't feel for him like he does for me, and I don't think I ever will.
Your thoughts mean more than words...