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nikki

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/25115.html"<b>1 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/25115.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
[5/8/04 ♥ 15:09pm]
The End.

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[5/6/04 ♥ 23:47pm]
why am I sucker for guys who call me "baby" ?

goodnight

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/24802.html"<b>4 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/24802.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
God, listen to me, please? [5/6/04 ♥ 8:00am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

We were meant to live for so much more.

I know I know, its 8pm, and I should be calling Amber right now. I just need to get everything out tonight, and I'm really in the mood to just type. She is going to hate me, but I'm hoping she'll understand. Hopefully I'm done writing in here before 9, that way I won't be calling her too late.

So, its the end of senior year. What does this mean? It means no more high school, no more seeing friends everyday, no more passing notes, gossiping at lunch, drooling over the hot guys who play all the sports, and no more being young. Yeah sure, I'm insanely excited to graduate and be out on my own, but I'm also fucking terrified out of my mind. As most of you who read this know, I am not an incredibly independent person. In fact, I depend to much on other people, which is probably my biggest problem. But I am so excited to fall on my face and learn what it means to be my own person. Most of my friends only have about 13 DAYS of their senior year left. That's two weeks. Me, on the other hand, I think I have to go until the middle of June. Sure, it sucks, but its going to be extremely worth it when its all over. I'm going to graduate. A couple of months ago, I would of told you that I really didn't think I would graduate, or that I didn't care if I did. But I know that would of been a lie. I want to graduate. I want to accomplish that. I want to be able to stand there and feel that feeling, because I did it, and I did it myself. I talked to my brother on the phone yesterday and he told me that he's proud of me. He has NEVER told me that before, and it felt so amazing to hear that from him. I love my brother so much. And even though he's made some stupid mistakes, I admire him for everything that he has accomplished in the past couple of years. I admire the fact that he doesn't depend on anyone but himself, and he doesn't need anyone to hold him up on his feet. Sure, he didn't graduate, and I'm going to, but I'm so afriad that I can't hold myself up on my two feet. I know I'm going to go through a lot and experience tons of new things, and I guarantee you that I will fall on my face numorous amounts of times. I just hope that I can learn by falling on my face, and now let it break me. I want to be a strong, independent person, ya know? I'm just not so sure that I'm capable of it. My brother told me that me thinking I can't do it is my first problem. I know he's right, but I don't know what to do to change myself.

I hate change. I hate hate hate it! Sometimes it can be the worst thing in the whole world. I'm so afraid to change because I don't want to change for the worst. I've seen it happen to too many of my friends lately, and I don't want it to happen to me. If I'm going to change, I want to change to be a better person. I want to actually like myself for once. I go through my stages where I do really like myself, but those are only stages, and they don't last. I don't like who I am at all. I'm not motivated. I'm not smart. I'm not inspired. And most of all, I'm not who I want to be. I want to be all of those things so bad, but I don't push myself enough. I need to push myself. Ahhh, I'm so lost! This is normal, right?

I was thinking about what I wanted to do after school is over. I am going to be going to Georgia in June sometime to spend some time with my grandmother, which is good. She needs that, and I need that just as much as she does. I think it'll be good for me to see everyone down there. I miss them so much. I'm not really sure how long I'm going to stay. I want to stay long enough to spend time with all my family, but I also want to get to where I want to be, get a job, and settle down, and just do things for me. But the big problem is, I have no idea where I want to go after Georgia. Well, I have an idea. But I'm really not positive about it, so I don't think I want to say anything just yet. I also want someone to come with me. But not just anyone, a certain person who I won't mention, but still. Obviously I know that this little idea I got going on is almost nearly impossible, but I really think it might be something I want. And I know I want this person to go with me. But we'll see.

Amber called me about 5 minutes ago. I told her I'd call her in 10 minutes, so I really gotta hurry and shut the hell up soon.

I called Paul's mom today. I really liked talking to her. I miss her and the family SO much. I love how she just listens, and when she says things, she says them because she is really trying to help, not just because. I don't know. I love that woman =) She just understands. haha Its funny... their family is amazing. Momma Fitz is just always there. I haven't talked to her in over and month, and she still listened to me vent. And Tara is always listening to me complain online, thanks little sis... I really do love you like you were my own sister. And Fitzy is just a great guy. I remember the last time I went there, he gave me this HUGE hug, and he hadn't seen me in so long. It made me cried like you wouldn't know. I love having that relationship with their family. It makes me insanely happy that I can still talk to them, and be close to them regardless of what happened, or happens, with Paul and me.

There's too much to say about Paul right now. I'm worried about him, but when am I not? He's not doing good in school, and he's probably not graduating. But who am I to lecture him or anything about that? I really have no right to. I just want to be able to talk to him, and be there for him, ya know? I miss that friendship we used to have. I don't want to call him and have him think that I'm desperate to have him back. I just want to be friends with him. We were so close before we were even together, and we were so close when we were together, and now it seems like I'm nothing to him. Its like "Nikki called"... "Who's Nikki???" It just kinda hurts, ya know?

A whole lot...

Alright, I should call Amber now.
I'll more than likely write more later.

Leave me some comments, please?



Have we lost ourselves?

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/24481.html"<b>5 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/24481.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
[5/5/04 ♥ 19:46pm]
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions; no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this, and allow your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

No question is out of bounds but I reserve the right not to answer.


1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
33. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
34. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/24221.html"<b>2 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/24221.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
bored [5/3/04 ♥ 16:10pm]
[ mood | bored ]

THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
Something important on your desk: My pictures =)
When you sleep you wear: tank top and pj pants
If you could afford it at the moment, you would buy: a car, or an apartment.. or both.
Something you don't have a lot of: money, confidence, hope, faith... ugh.
If your house was burning and you could only save 3 items what would they be: my pictures, my music, and my writings/journal

MORALS:
If there were no side effects, you would enjoy being addicted to: nothing.
A time when you purposly hurt someone emotionally: There isn't a time that I can recall but I'm sure there are a few, unfortunately.
A time you accidentally hurt someone emotionally: I'm not sure, no one has ever let me know when I "accidentally" hurt them emotionally.
One person you have killed in your thoughts: Only one?

FRIENDS:
Three traits you look for in a friend: Loyalty, honesty, and understanding
Who makes you laugh most often: Hmm, definitely Julie and Jess. I love those girls more than anything =)
A friend who you can tell anything: Jess and Julie
A friend you can got to for advice: Julie
The best piece of advice you had been given: "Never care what anyone thinks of you because you are perfect being who you are and you don't need another person trying to change you."
Two closest friends: Julie and Jess... thank God I have these girls in my life
The friend who uses most of your energy: hahha Julie... because of nights like Saturday lol OUTTA CONTROL!!!!!!

EGO:
Your 3 best qualities: Understanding, easy to talk to, and trustworthy
Your 3 worst qualities: over-emotional, I get attached too easily, and I over-analyze every little thing in my life therefore I drive myself completely insane.
Describe your Ideal self: I would have complete control over my life, have confidence in myself and the things I do and what to do, and I wouldn't let myself develope feelings so quickly.
You are embarassed when: I have to do public speaking.
The greatest physical pain you ever endured: Jumping barefoot onto a board and having a nail go straight through my foot when I was about 8 years old.
The greatest emotional pain you ever endured: Oh man, when my grandfather died when I was younger, or when Paul and I broke up. Either of those definitely are up there with severe emotional pain.
Moment you are most ashamed of: October 4, 2002
Your best physical feature: I like my eyes and my nose. That's about it.
Who/What makes you happy: All my friends make me insanely happy, crushes, 80 degree weather, holding hands, feeling someone slightly graze my back, making people smile, corny love movies.
Who/what makes you sad: People who intentionally hurt others, parents who neglect their kids, being so far from my friends, people who are willing to throw after years of a great friendship because things get hard, being alone.

EMOTIONS:
Emotion you hide most: Jealousy and fear
The emotion you tend to experience most: Its a tie between excitement and sadness... how does that work?
The emotion you are feeling most lately: Lately I've been feeling vulnerable and confused.
You have a huge amount of guilt regarding: My past, which there is too much to even try to explain.
When you are angry you need: To cry or hit something
When you are sentimental you need: A hug
When you are in love you need: Someone to love me back...

MEMORIES:
One of your most peaceful memories: When I was 7, my oldest brother took me for a walk in the woods, and me being a girl I was terrified, but he held my hand and we kept walking until we came to like this open field with one huge tree and like this little waterhole type thing. We climbed the tree and sat there for hours talking. Man, I miss him.
One of your most tragic memories: Those are the memories I don't like to relive, so I don't talk about them.
One of your angriest memories: Every day of my life from when I was 3 until 11.
A memory that makes you laugh: There is a lot of those. Every memory with my Jessica... "its a little salty"... "dorito? funyun? dorito funyun? funyun dorito? pizza?... 10 dolla cheap cheap... ohh shiit"... "hey baby wanna wrestler?"... porch swings, skinny dipping, so many good times. And of course I always have a blast with my girl Julie... hotel rooms, ice, JP WHO?!??, Josh and Steve, NH was OUTTA CONTROL!, "we tagteam.. I meannn..." hahahha oh man so many. So many more good times waiting =P
A memory that makes you happy: I was walking down the street with Paul one day and the sun was really shining, and like you know how in the movies when the sun shines on a girl and she is just so happy that her hair and everything like glows? Well, thats what I felt like. And it helped when Paul said "God, you're beautiful." (ahh stupid boys lol)
Something someone can say or do that you find unattractive: I don't like when I can't really have a conversation with someone. It kind of turns me off.
Two things appealing about people: When they do something for others and don't expect anything in return, and when they can listen to you about your bad day instead of trying to give you advice on how to fix it.
A personality trait you find appealing: Humor. I love anyone who can make me laugh.
Your secret passion: Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it =P
What you enjoy most about having a committed relationship: The experiences two people share together, and having so much love between you that nothing can break it, it can overcome any obstacle thrown its way. Having a person there for you as your boyfriend and your best friend. One of the best feelings is to know that someone can know everything about you and still love you despite all of it.

RELATING:
DO you have a bf/gf if yes who? : Nope, just a crush.
What do you find sexy about them: His eyes and the way he kisses
A place where you want to have sex: A tropical beach.. I know I know, what a cliche.
A strange place where you have had sex: hmm is the movies a strange place?
What drives you crazy (in a good way) about this person?: How I can never tell what he is thinking. I love the mysteriousness though. Is that a word? haha It is now =)
What music is on when you have sex, or is it the silent kind?: No music, just me.
Favorite song to have sex to: Um, I haven't really thought about that.
Describe your mate/crush physically: He's just cute =)... brown hair, brown eyes, nice hands, great body.. need I say more?
Describle your mate/crush's personality: Ah, he is smart, funny, and affectionate.... I don't even know where any of his flaws are. He hides them well.
You feel most attractive when: Someone comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me on the cheek. I love it.
Favorite thing you like to see your mate/crush wear (clothing wise don't say naked): Ah, it doesn't matter. Whatever makes them comfortable.
What would you like your mate/crush to do more of: me? haha just playing... Well, I would like to hang out with him more often. I recently realized how much I like talking to him.

FINALLY:
If you had more time alone you would: I already have too much time alone. I hate it. Although I should sleep more, but that's what happens when you have insomnia.
If you had more patience you would: Actually learn to play my guitar.
If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be: My smile...
If you had no committments what would you be doing: Unfortunately, right now I have no committments, and I hate it. Its like I have no motivation. I need something to look forward to, to want to accomplish. Why am I such a loser?
If you could have one super power what would it be: Mind reading... it would come in handy with my crush =) haha
If you could start all over you would: I wouldn't

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/23965.html"<b>1 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/23965.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
whatttt [5/2/04 ♥ 23:25pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

So, last night was awesome.

I love my Julie =) I always have the best times with her, no matter where we are and what we are doing. Hotel room, WHAT?! hollerr =) haha Last night gave us so many more inside jokes to add to our extremely long list. Ice, "good head," her singing milkshake to me... well, not actually singing it, just saying the words like a little white girl, doing naughty things in the same room... only us =) hahah
Ladies is pimps too, go on brush ya shoulders off

Last night was spent with a boy that I didn't ever think would be the one to be there with me. Sure, I've thought about it, but who am I kidding? He'd never like me like I've always liked him.. for like 5 1/2 years. But maybe... maybe he does?

It is now midnight, and I am exhausted, seeing as how I got no sleep last night. But it was well worth it =)

Goodnight.

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fuck school [4/29/04 ♥ 23:04pm]
The countdown is closing in around us.
Choking us but we don't feel it.
The countdown to the final day we must return to school
And spend another day with our friends and enemies.
The people we've seen almost every day for most of our lives.
Will I miss it?
I'd like to think not.

The rumors spread and reputations destroyed with gossip,
The lies told and the unforgiving lost friends.
The cliques made and the people left out.
The kids who wear name-brand clothes because they care too much or not enough.
The pressure on atlethes to do the best they can.
Will I miss it?
I'd like to think not.

The teasing kisses and uncontrollable flirts,
The fighting couple who were the perfect match,
The backstabbing from those "You'll always be my friend" friends,
The kids who think they're cool and the ones who try to be,
The swearing, crying and the occasional fight,
The parties, the alcohol and the sex.
All packed into the drawn-out years that seem like they'll never end,
But they will.
Will I miss it?
I'd like to think not.

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/23176.html"<b>15 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/23176.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
[4/28/04 ♥ 18:45pm]
Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want.

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22816.html"<b>2 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22816.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
I don't remember... anything. [4/27/04 ♥ 21:03pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

One Tree Hill is an amazing show. I love Chad Michael Murray. I will marry this guy one day, oh I will.

Okay, so back to reality.
Unfortunately, night classes are out, and I am now attending English High School in Lynn... all day. From 8 in the morning, until 2:30 in the afternoon. Sure, that's not a long time really, only 6 1/2 hours. But AGAIN I have to get used to a whole new place, and new people. Life just likes to kick me in the ass sometimes. But I guess it isn't that bad. Hey, who am I to complain? Its only for a few more weeks, and it'll go by fast, so I'm just gonna deal. At least my classes aren't incredibly long, only like 50 minutes. So, that's cool.

I really have so much on my mind, but no words to explain it. I hate it when that happens.

I discovered something over the past couple of days. A decision that I should have made a long time ago, but was too scared to. A committment to a certain person that wasn't right a few months ago, but is so right now. I hate that its been this long for me to figure all of this out, but I mean, better late than never, right? I just hope he understands.

You know what's funny? I really don't get girls when they are "fighting." I wish we were like guys when it came to that. Guys can get into fights and beat the shit out of each other, then the next day they are cool. Its like they just needed to let off some extra steam, and what's a better way to do that than to beat the hell out of one another? But girls on the other hand, we bitch and complain, talk about the other behind her back, make up stupid false stories about her, make rude comments, and hold grudges for God knows how long. WTF. Its just ridiculous. Why can't we just beat each other up and make it all better?

Okay this is stupid. I don't even know anything anymore. I'm just lost right now. I don't know what happened in the last three minutes, but so many thoughts went through my head and my mood fell so low. Oh well, it happens.

Julie is picking me up Friday. =)
I can't wait to see your face love.

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22535.html"<b>1 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22535.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
[4/26/04 ♥ 22:27pm]
Mark's favorite food is Spam.

Fried with Cheese.

I thought that deserved to be posted. Yes.

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22344.html"<b>2 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22344.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
Alone, what?! [4/24/04 ♥ 1:11am]
[ mood | envious ]

So, what if its 1:12 in the morning?


You know... I'm really sick of being alone. I want someone. I really don't know who this "someone" is, but I know I want to be with him. Why is it so hard to find a decent guy to be in a relationship with lately? I don't get it. Maybe I'm still used to being in a relationship with Paul for so long that I just can't shake that feeling. Its been 9 months. I've been alone for 9 months. To some people, that doesn't seem like a long time at all. But to those of us who have been in long relationships, that amount of time seems like forever. I just want someone who I can call at night just to say goodnight. Someone who is my first thought in the mornings. Someone who calls me randomly just to see how my day was, or how I am doing. I want to be able to walk down the street holding someone's hand, just glowing because I am so happy to be with this person. I want to be able to hold someone and feel like nothing else matters. I just want to feel that feeling, ya know?

Sigh, sometimes I just can't get enough of l.o.v.e.

I suppose I should just stop thinking, and go to bed, seeing as how I have to wake up early to go to Boston tomorrow. Who knows... maybe I'll me this "someone" at Earth Day. Wouldn't that be a knee-slapper? haha Right, Cat?

Oh well, goodnight my loves <3

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22094.html"<b>6 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/22094.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
[4/20/04 ♥ 22:29pm]
Hi Matt, I'm updating this for you.

I love you tons =)

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/21808.html"<b>1 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/21808.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
hmm [4/15/04 ♥ 15:59pm]
x the ones you have never done
I have never....


( ) been drunk
( ) smoked pot
( ) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed a friend's car
(x) been to japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
(x) had anal sex
( ) been in love
( ) had sex
( ) had sex in public
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
(x) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) had a threesome
( ) snuck out of my parent's house
( ) been tied up
(x) been caught masturbating
(x) pissed on myself
(x) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
(x) stole something from my job
(x) celebrated new years in time square
(x) gone on a blind date
( ) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
(x) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) been to europe
( ) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) cut myself on purpose
(x) had sex at the office
(x) been married

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/21702.html"<b>1 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/21702.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
oh gee [4/14/04 ♥ 20:44pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I have so much on my mind lately. I just don't know how to say everything to everyone that I want to say it to. Why does it have to be so hard to just talk to some people? I used to be able to be so honest about how I am feeling with everyone. But some people just become so different and distant, and you just don't know how to talk to them anymore. No, I'm not talking about just Paul, its pretty much everyone. I guess I am just thinking too much lately, and there is just a lot of people that I want to talk to about a lot of things. I want to set things straight with everyone that things aren't straight with.

Things are really out of touch lately. Nothing feels right anymore. Its like I can't do anything to make anyone happy, and I have no clue what the hell I want. I don't know what I want out of life, or who my real friends are, who I can trust, or who I want to be with, or who I should be with. I just don't know anymore. I've been confused before, but God, now its like my mind is this huge tidle wave of thought after thought after thought, and I just can't make sense of any of them. This is why I write so much. Writing is my therapy. At least if I can't talk to other people, I get everything out by writing it. I'm so sick and tired of keeping everything that I am feeling inside my heart. It is killing me.

Its funny... I've turned from being the most selfish person you could ever meet, to being the most unselfish person. About 3 years ago, I couldn't count on my hands how many people thought I was selfish. Hell, I was selfish, I even knew it. I just didn't do anything about it. But then I changed. I had to change, I hated who I used to be. Now, now its like I can never do anything to make me happy. Everyone else comes before Nikki. Everyone. I put so much time and effort into keeping all my friends and everyone happy that I'm right down at the bottom of the list. When is it my turn guys? I know that this sounds really selfish, but just once, ONCE, I want to smile and just really mean it. Do you know what it feels like to smile and have it hurt? Things are just so messed up lately. I don't know what I can do to make myself happy anymore, so I don't know why I even bother bitching about being unhappy. Its my fault that I'm not happy anyways. I never do anything just for myself. And I am just about all out of patience, understanding, compassion, and sympathy for other people. Everything is just slowly draining me. I am so emotionally unstable. I just don't know how to get back up on my feet and be happy, and smile and mean it. Things are so hard. Just ease up a little bit God, okay?

Stress is such an understatment to what I am feeling right now. I am so beyond stressed out about everything. From family, to school, to guys, I am just about ready to give up completely.

Its so hard to lose someone you've become so close to. It hurts a lot, but there isn't much you can do about it. Some things just can't be avoided sometimes. Even if I stayed in Vermont, stayed at Sherri's house... everything would have ended the same way. Steve is so overbearing. He just does not understand. But what parent does understand? If you know of one, please please please... introduce us. I am just not a person who likes to be criticized and lectured about every little thing that I do. What I do may not always be the right thing, but god dammit let me learn myself. When will he ever learn that I am not going to learn through his experiences? I will not learn that something is wrong just because he tells me that it is. What is wrong to him, may be so right to me. He will never understand that. He tells me that when I am older I will realize what he was trying to do for me and think to myself, "Wow, I'm really glad he was around, he really did care." I may think that but I hope one day that you will realize that I did things because I wanted to and I have never been one to do things just because they were right to other people, and I will never be that. I am my own person, ya know? I can make choices all by myself. I am fucking almost 18 years old. When are you ever going to let me grow up? I am not a baby anymore, and I haven't been for a long time. Its about time that you let me do things my way, and how I want to do them.

School is also another issue now. Since Steve thought it would be cool to take me out of school two months before graduation, I have to go through all of this shit just to get my diploma. The principal at the school here was giving me all these different options, like getting my GED. I don't want a fucking GED. I want to graduate. I want more for myself than that. I want the feeling of knowing that I graduated... that I reached that goal. He also told me that I could take night classes to get my credits to graduate. But I guess I have to have three elective classes to get all of my credits, so I have to go to school during the day. That's right, I have to go to a whole new school, with new people, with EIGHT fucking weeks left. Its completely ridiculous. Don't get me wrong.. I am a friendly person, and normally I make friends easy, but God, I am so sick of moving, and going to new schools. This is like the 11th new school that I've attended. You would think that I would be used to it now. It is just one of those things that never really grows on you. It is just so fucking frustrating. I just want to get this all over with, graduate, get a good job, and just get on my feet and stay there. That's all I ask for... it really isn't much.

The male gender is a completely different topic. I don't even know what is going on in that area. Mikey... his birthday is today. He wrote me an e-mail yesterday that scared the shit out of me. I like this guy, but he is just coming on way too strong for me right now. I'm not ready for that. I definitely don't like him nearly as much as he likes me. I feel like such a shit because I do not want to hurt him at all. But I can't be with him, I don't want to be with him. He tells me that I am his motivation, that I am the only thing that keeps him going. He has known me for literally like a month. Some people may think that they can fall for someone in that short amount of time, but I just can't do it. I can't really like someone until I really know that person. And I really don't know him at all. And he doesn't know me at all. He knows my favorite color, movie, food, and a couple of bands that I really like. He knows that I like monkies. But God, everyone knows that about me, but that doesn't necessarily mean they know me. Make sense? He doesn't know that I have to sleep with either the TV or radio on because I can't stand silence. Or that I am in love with sappy love songs, and every one of them has some kind of meaning to me. Or that when I sleep, I have to have something next to me, whether it be a pillow or a stuffed animal. He doesn't know that you can tell my mood in the mornings by which one of my eyebrows are higher. Or that I have to constantly keep the water running while I brush my teeth. Or that I leave the shower running like 5 minutes before I get in just to make sure the water is hot enough. He doesn't know that when my nose is red, it means I am embarassed. Or that I crack my knuckles, bite my lower lip, shake my leg, play with my ears, and rub my hands together just because they are bad habits. He doesn't know that my favorite movie is A Walk to Remember, and he doesn't know why that is my favorite movie. He doesn't know that I went through so much abuse and torture when I was younger, and that affects almost every decision I make when it comes to a guy. He knows nothing of my past. And he barely knows anything of my present. I just can't see how he can feel for me as much as he says he does. I mean, you never completely know a person, but you have to know them, and why they do and say and act they way they do, to really feel for them. I don't know. Some people view this differently than I do, but I just can't feel for him like he does for me, and I don't think I ever will.


Your thoughts mean more than words...

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<tr> <td colspan="3" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="webdings" "text-align: center"> <a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/21266.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
i am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident [4/14/04 ♥ 10:11am]
[ mood | confused ]

I find that you are on my mind more often than any other thought. Sometimes I bring you there purposely just to make my day better. But more often, you surprise me and find your own ways into my thoughts. There are even times when I awaken, and I realize that you've taken over my dreams. Then during the day, when my imagination is free to wander, it takes me into your arms and allows me to linger there knowing there's nothing I'd rather do. I know my thoughts are only reflecting the loving hopes in my heart, because whenever they wander, they always take me to you.

Sometimes, no matter how lonely, no matter how depressed or tired I feel, I close my eyes, imagine you, and I am content. =)

I just want to lay in your arms and talk about the things that no one understands or cares about but us. I love when I am with you. It would be nice to just be able to relax with one another, and sink into each other's arms and be secluded in our own little world.

A world where no one exists but us...


eticmyhisly


oh yeah, Happy Birthday Mikey.

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My jealousy poem [4/13/04 ♥ 19:46pm]
A tiny pixie
With long green, flowing hair
Glittered shimmered arms
An unearthly glow
Mysterious and dangerous
Translucently slips onto my shoulder
Whispering sweet lies in my ear.
Tiptoes up my neck
Barely making a sound
And slithers down my throat
Her lime satin slippers go down easy.
Crouched in my stomach in a ball
(can easily be mistaken for butterflies)
She's tiny and flower-like, an evil Irony
Feeding off fear
The more you bear, the more she grows
Bigger and bigger
Harder to contain
She bubbles and simmers to a complete boil
Then, as if reaching her very Expectation, she
bursts
Into bright green flames of rage
Suddenly, as if realizing existance cannot
always be altered by emotion
The flames die
Along with my jealous pixie
Her soul rises gently
To my eyes.
And rolls out slowly,
A tear.


Sigh.

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[4/13/04 ♥ 12:50pm]
[ mood | high ]

Hmm, yes. So, its 10 minutes until 1:00pm and I definitely just got out of bed. =) I haven't slept that much in like few months.

But now I have nothing to do today, so I will go lay on the couch and veg out and watch TV for awhile.

FIVE days! =) It seems so close, but yet so far away. Don't ya hate that? I can't wait until they get here. I am sooo excited. Hopefully everything works out and people's parents will stop being unreasonable. *Cross my fingers*

I need to somehow keep myself busy for the next 5 days so it'll go by faster... let's see..

Tuesday- Well, today is definitely a down day. Its rainy out and no plans, so it'll go by slow.

Wednesday- Praying that my Jewelz will come visit me =)

Thursday- Shoe shopping with mi madre after work!

Friday- hmm, well I'm supposedly going to Marlborough today. Hopefully hanging out with Jewelz for a bit, then Marky Mark, then end up at Brad's for a few.

Saturday- Weddinggg =) wooo Joanne and Jay are finally gettin married today. Then afterwards, I have no idea what I am doing... probably hanging out with Brad.

Sunday- Matt, Danielle, Mikey and Amber will be here today =)

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Paul [4/12/04 ♥ 17:47pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I cried over you today. Why. I don't even know why. I was going through my email because I was so determined to delete everything that had to do with you. I, of course, had to read the emails that you wrote me, conversations we had, and emails that I wrote to you before I deleted them. Half of them I printed out so I would still have. After doing that, I got off the computer, came in my room, sat on my bed, and read every word of them at least twice. I cried. I cried so hard. I don't know if it is because I miss what we had, or just because I'm so sorry I hurt you that much. I didn't realize how hard it was for you to go through all that shit for me. If I knew it was that hard, I would of somehow stopped myself from falling in love with you 5 years ago. Although, that would have been a near impossible task. God, I'm so sorry. After reading all of that, its completely my fault that we are no longer friends. Well, I don't know what we are. We're just not us, in any way at all. I'm sorry. I don't even know what else to say. I feel like such a shit right now.

Everyone is having a bad day today. What is it, like national Fuck Off Day? I wish I could just somehow make everything okay for everyone. And I wish that I could somehow make everything okay with people that I was once so close with. Especially Paul. God, what happened? Arg, what didn't happen... I just don't know how to make things okay again. I don't know how to be your friend. I just don't know what it takes, ya know? This is hard. I told myself over and over again that I wouldn't think about you anymore, that it was all your fault we aren't talking. How stupid am I? I guess I just like to believe that you had everything to do with us not being together, and that I had nothing to do with it. God knows that most of it was my fault, I just failed to realize that for a really long time.

Why can't things just be easy for once! Why can't I just call you up and have a normal conversation with you... a conversation that friends would have? Why do I have to make things so much harder than they really are? Why can't I have my best friend back? And why the FUCK did I have to lose the past 5 years? I miss you Paul, and not just romantically, but in every way possible. I miss having someone to talk to, who really knows me, ya know? Who tries to understand what I am feeling. You are one of two people who could know what I was thinking before the words came out of my mouth. Things are just so screwed up now. And I fear that things will just never be okay. Please tell me that isn't true. Tell me that when I get up enough courage to call you tonight that you will talk to me like we never changed, like we are still best friends.

Maybe I just expect too much from you?
I'm sorry.
I just miss you.

Blah.

Six days, guys. Six days. I can't wait. I need it so much.

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[4/12/04 ♥ 1:54am]
[ mood | horny ]

Call me gorgeous
and I'm yours forever.

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<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/20045.html"<b>1 </b>empty promises//</a>
<a href="http://pieceof-myheart.livejournal.com/20045.html?mode=reply "> Give me something to believe in <a> </td> </tr>
theres something about the look in your eyes... [4/11/04 ♥ 0:52am]
[ mood | bored ]

Why is it that I want you most when you are away? You seem so much more beautiful when I can't touch you...


I have a journal that I actually write in, and my entry from March 27, 2004 amused me greatly:

"Incredible. That is the only way to explain how I am feeling. I don't know why, or how, but I am as giddy as a thirteen year old girl at a NSync concert"

hehe, it was just funny to me.

I finished the shadow box for Mikey tonight. His birthday is in 4 days... then, I get to see him 4 days after that. =) I really can't wait. I am getting so anxious about it. The idea of having him, Matt, Danielle and Amber here, even for just a couple days, is so freakin' exciting. Although, Danielle's mom said that she can't come now. Well, what she said was "you really have no reason to go." Dammit, I'm a good enough reason! I'm really hoping this whole thing works out. We have plans to go to Boston.. ah, I can't wait!

You know what's crazy? I'm going to be 18 in less than 3 months. It seems like I just turned 13 like yesterday, ya know? I honestly cannot wait to be 18... so much responsibility, but so much freedom.

I badly miss my job. Who knew that working at McDonalds could be something a person could grow to love? It was really a great job, and I worked with amazing people, give or take a few. Both Mikey and Matt are working tonight. God, how I wish I were there right now. I mean, a couple of months ago I would be dying to be back in Mass, with everyone here, but a lot has changed in the past few months. Feelings grew, some feelings faded, friends were made, memories were made... god, I just miss it. Its only been 7 days since I've been here. The next 7 seem like they are going to be so long. I just need to keep myself occupied.

The Chapelle Show is amazing. I've never laughed so hard. =) If you've never seen it, you must must must watch it at least once. YEAHHHHHHHHH

I don't know why, but I love when people call me names like baby, sweetheart, babycakes, sweets, babe and hun. It just makes me smile.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't think of anything to write anymore. But I just don't want to stop. I guarantee you that the only people who will read this is gonna be Matt, Bubba and Caitlin. And Jess might in a couple weeks haha

Soo... hi guys =)

Matt... can't wait for you guys to come down! 7 days babe =) Hurry up and come online!!!

Bubbalicious =)... waterbeds are cool. I hope I see you this week/weekend sometime. Love you babes

Cat Hix... my favorite sister in the whole wiiiide world, yous a ho. =)

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